Some of us, no bitter writer in particular, haven’t mustered up the funds yet to buy an iPhone 4S. While some places will pay for my plasma, and I hear there’s a black market for one of my healthy kidneys, I just can’t part with my body parts for temporary technology. So, I’m out of luck until I start taking up more freelance jobs. One of the things I’m a little miffed about missing out on is the Siri feature everyone’s talking about. Well, it’s more like talking to. In fact, there’s already a website dedicated to her wit. Why should the rest of us go without? Why can’t we have any fun? Well, I’ve got my own assistant. Soviet Assistant to be exact. I get all the sass I want with little to no help from his services. It’s like customer service in real life.

Just hold the button in the middle of the screen, cling to faint and distant hopes that your antisocial Soviet Assistant is actually listening to you and listen for his cranky words of contempt for your plights and misfortunes. Why in the world would I want the wit and sophistication of Siri when I can listen to an app that reminds me of my grumpy great-grandfather who used to bless his birthday cake with a sword before hacking it to pieces? This app is just brimming with nostalgia for me, and I’m sure others will find the app funny as well.

There’s Russian patriotic music playing in the background as well. I sincerely do apologize that I’m not sure exactly what the song is. I’m not well-versed in Russian culture at all beyond the “in Soviet Russia” jokes. So, if anyone actually knows what that song is and wants to share their wisdom in the comment section, I’d personally appreciate it. I’m curious, and it sounds pretty cool. I’m guessing it’s an old national anthem, but, like I said, I’m clueless.

While I might not have convinced anyone to trade in their Siri function for Soviet Assistant, not that I would blame anyone for sticking with her, it’s still a funny app that I would love to pass on to others who also have my simple sense of humor. In the meantime, I’m going to pretend that Ivan (that’s what I’ve named him) is a legitimate assistant that doesn’t curse at me for no reason.

Soviet Assistant is an iPhone app that’s available in the App Store for the awesome price of FREE, but only for a limited time.