In celebration of Americas independence this last weekend, I have decided it would be appropriate to write a special patriotically themed column. As I have grown these many years, it has been my privilege to traverse the terrain of this great country (by ‘traverse’ I of course mean that I watched videos of it on television), and I can’t help but notice that amidst all those delightful amber waves of grain, there are some spots that aren’t so… amber-y. Which is to say that there is a dark side to America. This may come as a shock to you, but I’m afraid its true.
For example, we are supposed to be granted the freedom of speech right? Well allow me to demonstrate something for you. Below I will write a sentence so mind-blowingly earth-shattering that it will change your life forever; however I will insert mild profanities. Let us see if it makes it through the rigorous editing process intact:
The it squirrel Halloween lillies and R2-D2.
See what I mean? The true meaning is lost forever. And this is just one example of the hardships we face everyday. Well no more!! Below are the 6 iPhone apps that, if properly applied, will make America even the greater-est nation on earth!
Phone- A classic app to be sure, in fact it was one of the first. Before this newfangled app store came about, this was one of the only 10 or so apps that we had access to. But it was beautiful in it’s simplicity, touch to call. This concept could be well used in political contact procedures. So as opposed to visiting the local courthouse to get an address for your local rep, then waiting for a form letter which gives contact info for the main office, then calling the switchboard to get the secretary to set up an appt to call the aide…and so it continues. And this is in Georgia for heavens sake! A little one-touch contact would heal many a broken representative/representee relationsips.
Awesome facts – How great can a nation be if its people are not well versed in it’s prestigious history? Well, since mucking about in actual history can be rather tedious…this little gem condenses much of history into pithy humorous little snippets! Now we can all know the important stuff, like the fact that Andrew Jackson’s parrot liked to swear.
Pocket god- As most of you are probably aware, this app gives the user a sense of god-like power over a group of weak and defenseless individuals…and sense most people get into politics for precisely that experience, using this app would help to weed out the power mongers from those more fit to serve.
FML- This country is hurting, and the government needs to know that. Reading this app will allow them to see just how bad things really are; like user easylazy who can no longer even fit into her fat jeans…God help us.
Dictionary-(Yeah, I guess this joke would have worked much better if Bush were still in office.)
Facebook- Imagine if politicians were on Facebook. I mean really on Facebook, not just as a novelty! Sure this would only account for the under 30 set for the most part, but the kinds of discourse and discussion and personal contact and effectiveness that that could serve would be immeasurable…and probably annoying. Never mind.
My fellow Americans, the time for change is indeed now!
(It is certainly not my wish at all to belittle the sacrifices of those who are serving each and every day to make our country a safer place. I am forever in their debt.)