I am married. I feel the need to put this upfront to qualify everything that will follow. Not that it’s anything bad against the app or a trolling rant against the developers. Nothing of the sort. It’s just one of those things. Parents have a hard time taking the advice of anyone who has never had children, no matter how many degrees they have. Couples in distress have a difficult time taking any marriage counselor seriously who has never been married. That difficulty is magnified ten times if that counselor is divorced and obviously bitter. It’s one of those things where you need to see someone else doing it out in nature and succeeding before you eat the red berries yourself.
Now that I have freely admitted that I have successfully gotten married, I can say with certainty that I did not think to myself that I should plant my face in a nearby candle to put me out of my misery. I was miserable enough with a headache strong enough to kill a horse and the muscles in the back of my head cramping from all the forced smiles for the pictures.
However, I didn’t pick up a can of hairspray with the intent of creating a home-made blow torch for my own demise.
For the unlucky couple in 5 Minutes To Kill (Yourself) Wedding Day, life as an engaged couple has been more than the normal stresses. They are looking for the permanent way out. You know, besides just calling off the wedding. Those deposits are nonrefundable. Might as well just use all the food for the funeral. Waste not, want not. Onto the app!
Game play revolves around how fast you can kill yourself. I thought it just meant finding something pointy, but it would seem that in your desperation, you’ve developed super-human strength. It takes quite a few attempts to get the deed done. Each method of attempting to off yourself is worth a certain percentage of your health. Scattered around the church (of all the places to try and send yourself to your maker) are items that can be used in conjunction with other killing items. Things such as using a tuning fork to hit a bell, pouring beer on your head and lighting it with a lighter or using a can of hairspray to make a blow torch. These combos are worth more damage than the one-item methods.
By tapping on the screen, you move your character from room to room in the church. Each item that you can interact with is indicated with a green arrow. A double arrow indicates items that are used in combos. Look around the room to find the next double arrow item to see what the match is. You can also interact with people. There are bridesmaids fighting, nuns chastising with rulers, altar boys gambling, and your father ready to blast you with a shotgun. All these things and more are there to speed along your last days on earth. So, get creative with the implements of death before you get hitched.