Everybody farts. It’s the truth, though some misguided young men may believe that girls never do. Farts are funny. They usually provide a laugh or two even in the most tense situations. I’m here to shed my pride and dive in to the plethora of fart apps out there. My mission? To find the best, most hilarious, most useful fart app the iPhone has to offer. Wish me luck, and join me in being thankful the iPhone doesn’t yet support odors.

I’ve rounded up five contenders, and here they are. Free ones first.

Fart for Free


Fart for Free v1.0 | Published by Gabe Jacobs Productions | Via App Store | Free | Released: 12-30-08

Overview

Fart for Free is pretty bare-bones. It reminded me most of the soundboard programs that you can probably still find all over the internet. You get 16 sounds, represented by little gas clouds (real cute.) Most of the flatulent melodies here are exaggerated and sound more like what you’d get if you put a microphone in the bathroom with a dude after some Taco Bell. From here on out, I’m referring to that as the Taco Bell syndrome (TBS).

Bottom Line

Nothing to see here, folks. Non-realistic fart sounds is an immediate turn-off. I’m here to laugh, not have my stomach turned. This is the better of the two free apps, though.

Verdict: Mildly Disgusting

WhoopieCushion


WhoopieCushion v1.0 | Published by RJ Grunewald | Via App Store | Free | Released: 12-17-08

Overview

With the simplest interface, WhoopieCushion might look promising at first. You just press down on the Whoopie to hear a random fart sound. The problem here is you’ve got no control! You might hear a cacophony of different farts, or you might get an identical sound three times in a row. The sounds aren’t all that great either.

Bottom Line

Pass on this one. If you need to bomb on a budget, stick with Fart for Free.

Verdict: Stinker

iFart Mobile


iFart Mobile v1.1 | Published by InfoMedia Inc. | Via App Store | $0.99 | Released: 1-04-09

Overview

This is something I’d expect to see featured on the Man Show. This app oozes (ewwww) personality, with endearing names for each fart. Some winners include “Jack the Ripper”, “Dirty Raoul”, and “Air Biscuit”. This app also has some pretty great flatulent features. We’ve got the Sneak Attack, which allows you to set a timer up to 5 minutes 59 seconds, after which a fart will be unleashed on innocent, unsuspecting bystanders. There’s also Security Fart, which plays a sound when your phone is moved. I never thought I’d say this, but these are really creative ways to gross out your friends.

Bottom Line

The features on this app, while awesome, appear on many of the paid apps out there. Unfortunately, most of the sounds are WAY too exaggerated. We have some serious TBS going on here, and I couldn’t find a single straight “poot” sound. With farts having names like “Splatter” and “Squeezer”, this app is a little more gross than it is funny.

Verdict: Grossest Fart App

iToot


iToot v1.04 | Published by iDev2 | Via App Store | $0.99 | Released: 12-31-08

Overview

iToot has a surprisingly reserved and geeky interface. Each sound has a small graph that provides you with off-the-cuff information about each fart. Categories like wetness, duration, force, and melody ensure you’ll select the right fart for the job every time. What’s more, these sounds are great! They don’t exaggerate too much, and sound like actual farts. This app comes with the same timer/security features as iFart mobile, but the timer goes up to 10 minutes if you REALLY want to confuse people.

Bottom Line

This is the Connoisseur’s Choice right here – someone looking over your shoulder isn’t immediately going to know you’re browsing fart noises, and the inclusion of graphs is a) hilarious and b) geeky enough for my tastes. You can’t beat these sounds.

Verdict: The Force is Strong With This One

iFart – with Timer


iFart with Timer v1.1 | Published by LoL Software | Via App Store | $0.99 | Released: 12-17-08

Overview

There are so many apps name iFart out there that I can’t tell which is the original! Here’s another, with the subtitle “with Timer”. Well, this app does have a timer, but not much else. It’s got a limited selection of sounds, and only a 60 second timer. Though the icons are fairly hilarious, this app doesn’t deliver the same amount of content as the others in the one-dollar category.

Bottom Line

There’s better choices for a paid app. Only get this if you MUST have an “easy button” style fart button.

Verdict: Strange Aroma

The Final Word

There are SO many fart apps on the app store, I’m surprised I didn’t smell it earlier. Out of the five I’ve got here, there’s a pretty clear winner, but who knows what hidden gems there could be out in the vast wastes of stinky iPhone programs. For now, I declare iToot to be the best fart app out there. It combines a tasteful interface with realistic fart sounds, and awesome features (I am totally using security fart on friends and family ASAP).

The Winner

iToot | $0.99 | The Discerning Gas-Passer’s Choice