Plant Care Reminder - Easy

Dear Human,

We need to talk.

You brought me into your home.
You named me.
You called me “low-maintenance.”
And then you left me in the corner like a decorative mistake.

I leaned toward the window for help.
You called it aesthetic.

I dropped a leaf in protest.
You posted it on Instagram.

And now?
Now I’ve found my voice.

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So.
You downloaded a plant care app.
How brave of you.
How… delusional.

You think this is about watering schedules?
About little checkboxes and morning mists?
No, darling.
This is about accountability.

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You placed me by a window—wrong one.
You gave me filtered light—too filtered.
You misted me—uninvited.
And then you left.
Again.

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You will try to Water me.
Mist me.
Maybe even Move me closer to the sun.

But I remember everything.
Every skipped reminder.
Every fake “care day.”
Every lie.

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Apps don’t grow from the soil like I do.
They don’t photosynthesize off your vibes.
They require effort. And servers. And labor.
So yes. Some features require Premium.

Shocking, I know.

You expected a full ecosystem of interactive drama, emotionally unstable plants, passive-aggressive group chats, and badge-enabled shame tracking… for free?

Adorable.

Want group chat? Badges? More than one plant? Then yes, you’ll have to pay. Not because we’re greedy—because your guilt spiral requires infrastructure.

Sincerely,
Magdalena, the Monstera
(Current Mood: Petty and Photosynthetic)

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***Magdalena has been escorted out of the conference room by Legal. You may now proceed with capitalism.***

Subscription required for full access. Some features—like group chat, badge collecting, and adding multiple plants—are part of our premium subscription. Payment will be charged to your Apple ID account at confirmation of purchase. Subscriptions automatically renew unless canceled at least 24 hours before the end of the current period. You can manage or cancel your subscription in your App Store settings anytime.

We do actually respect your privacy (even if your cactus doesn’t).

Terms of Use (Apple EULA): https://www.apple.com/legal/internet-services/itunes/dev/stdeula/
Privacy Policy: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FWFUDjOvn-PV60s3MlaOV4o607YRXkNQgELq_gzZhd0/edit?usp=sharing
Support + Plant Panic Hotline: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1P9Iq9odzhM8fSgOw10o1KZPaeUR-73pwlmr6mmzTedE/edit?usp=sharing
Price: $39 / year or $9.99 / month.