The Inanimate Object Of Your Affection-The Disturbing Relationship Between Man and Phone
by Dave Holmes
June 30, 2009
Lately I have gotten to wondering whether or not I am the first humor columnist/glorified space filler to compare the feelings one develops for a phone, to the feelings one develops for a significant other. For example, one of the more obvious similarities is in the way new couples (real ones and phone/owner ones-hereafter referred to as 'phowner' couples) can hardly resist engaging in some unabashed PDT (public displays of touching).
Numb to the world around you and its trivial concerns, you are drawn to the sensory satisfaction that only surreptitously touching your significant other/phone can bring. (It is likely painfully obvious to the reader at this time, just how hard up the author is for some affection.) But, there are of course differences between these types of couples as well. For example, in the techlationship of the phowners you have the oppurtunity to upgrade to a new model about every three years or so...wait, never mind, seems to be mostly similarities.
Regardless of whether I am the first to suggest such a tasteless association or not, I am certainly the first to suggest couples counseling for these trans-organical relationships. At least, if I am not the first, then the world is a lot worse off than I feared.
Let's be honest; the road from awkward, touchy brand new phowners to seasoned, comfortable life partners is one that has its fair share of bumps. From that initial nervous touch as you unwrap it from that stylishly designed container; to the first fingerprint stains as you realize just how boldly finger grease stands out on these things (which happens precisely at .3 seconds upon opening)-its a fascinating journey.
And an organic, constantly shifting one at that. One second you love it for the truly stunning touch screen display, the next you hate it as typing on that stunningly flat surface can be truly frustrating. One second you love it for the wealth of games and other apps right at your fingertips, the next you hate it for the fact that you can hardly afford any of them.
And so it goes. But as with any relationship, there are things that you can do to strengthen it and to make sure that your phowner relationship does not sour and turn stale.
Respect is key. As is true with anything, if you do not treat it nicely then it will undoutedly fail you at the times when you need it the most (calls, texts, e-mails, the final level of Eliss when you have two planets left to stick in the quasar before the swirling black hole comes and sucks them towards one another to deplete what little life you have left and right at that moment your stupid phone decides to...see, there I go.) It's far too easy to slip into a disrespectful tone towards an inanimate object, but just remember...its your inanimate object.
Empathy. This one is a little harder. See, as humans we have a rather difficult time wrapping our minds around the concept of being a complicated piece of electronic equipment. For us its hard to empathize with, say the intricate processes involved in processing thousands of concepts near simultaneously in a matter of milliseconds (well, at least its difficult if your a man.) But next time you go to party and goof off with your friends, just remember who it was that gave you directions to get there, contacted your
friends to let them know you were coming, entertained you all as the conversation got boring, etc.
Consent: Here's a crazy thought...next time you want your iPhone to do something for you, try asking it nicely... (and for those hoity-toity 3Gs owners out there that is not just whimsical hyperbole.)
Loyalty; for heavens sake, do not forget about loyalty. When the time eventually comes that someone you know has that 'Palm-device-whose-name-we-do-not-utter,' and you feel the savage prick of curiosity mixed with a slight tinge of jealousy; do not, even for a moment imply that it might be better than what you already have in your pocket.
Even marginally following these simple principles, I promise that you and your phone will overcome many of the problems standing in the way of having a mutually beneficial phowner relationship; and if you follow these principles to the letter...then that is probably the only relationship you will ever have.