iNFAMY! How The iPhone Can Make You Famous
Allow me to share with you what I consider to be one of life’s little ironies. If asked: “What would you do with your life, given no limitations,” many people would likely respond simply…be famous.’ Now be that as an actor, a rock star, or a soulless reality TV contestant is somewhat variable. The irony comes when you remember that it is commonly held wisdom that the most widespread fear amongst humans is public speaking. Strange then, that our dreams and fears so contradict each other, but I am straying…Suffice to say, it’s clear that a small hunger for fame resides in each of us.
Ancillary to that idea is the concept of technology. Fact of the matter is that technology is key to fame; directors need cameras, painters need brushes, musicians need software, actors need cell phones so their psychiatrists can easily contact them, etc.
So, with some impressive (ly stupid) deductive reasoning I can safely assume that you: A. Have a desire to be famous, like everyone else, and B. Since you are reading this, you have some cool technology! So what’s keeping you from being ridiculously famous?
Ahead you will find the five apps that will rocket you straight to stardom, or your money back (pending approval)!!
Twitter- the first thing you must do is to start following some popular celebrities on the twitter app of your choice. Be wary though to find ones not so popular that they won’t just laugh maniacally at your ideas and make jingles to the tune of deleting your well thought-out posts. Instead, go for a midlevel celebrity. One with points to gain by responding to your inane inquiries. Then, make lots of clever and witty posts that foreshadow at the wisdom within your soul, and ever so slowly begin to drop hints at the scripts you’ve been working on for years. Celebrities love that stuff!
Brushes-yeah, so like that one dude was totally on the cover of The New Yorker (well sure, I don’t read it either…but it sounds important) for the painting he did portraying a simple hot dog stand. Just imagine what is still left to be done…and don’t listen to the naysayers who imply that you can only paint on this app if you already have natural painting skills…it’s the iPhone, it’ll make it work.
Dopplerpad-this is a fairly slick app for crafting some basic musical riffs. Once you’ve spun your sick beats, just casually find your way on to an elevator with some major music magnate and accidentally start playing this song on your speaker. Act appropriately embarrassed, then when he inquires further, respond with a hearty “Oh, this ole ditty?” and before you know it, you’ll be spinning the vinyls at some hot club in downtown Meridian, Kansas…FAME!!
FML-You could always become famous for how much your life sucks…it worked for insert random celebrity reference here.
Weightbot-hello, iJared!! Just think of the headlines…just think of the sponsorships! ‘I used this app to lose __ pounds. I can’t even fit my phone in my pockets, now my pants are so small.’ The rest is history.
‘Now Mr. Writer,’ you may find yourself asking, ‘if you have known of these bulletproof methods for some time, why haven’t you used them yourself?’ And to that I have two responses.
One; As a sub-level, non-tenured humor columnist for a decent sized apple app review and general information website…I think I could already be considered learned on what it is to be famous.
Two; Also, as it turns out I have already had my moment of fame due to technology. In high school I had the privilege of filming a segment for CNN’s ‘Tech Time’ about one of their newest gadgets, the Cybiko Palmtop Communicator (See Below)…and sweet lord! That was something else, (the only real way to text at the time) it was a clunky, mishappen plastic box with a black and white screen and a keyboard…but get this, with keys so small you had to use the stylus to even press them. Needless to say, the device was lost in favor of the more user friendly (and eye friendly) cellular telephone.
Needless to say, being on TV thanks to that little guy was enough for me…so I now pass the baton of my celebrity wisdom onto you, dear readers. Enjoy the limelight!!…(why do they call it that?)
